Big Tiny Steps

(At ~37.5% of full dosage, and 25 days after starting the Bright Mind natural Adderall alternative)

Another good day, despite some shit hitting the fan. There was some good financial news, and plus, I am starting to notice this upwards trajectory of a feeling of love in my home, where there has been a good amount of tension over the past few years.

Once again, I had an absolutely glorious time yesterday just laying on the sofa, pillow over my head, and nobody nagging me to get up and “be responsible”. Funny enough, my older son did the same thing on an other sofa we have in the living room.

To explain, as far as a “lay around and do nothing”-type of vacation, I haven’t been on one for well over a decade. So as strange as it feels to lay on the sofa for over an hour and go in and out of sleep in the middle of a beautiful weekend afternoon, it also occurs to me that I would think nothing of loafing around like this if it happened to be poolside or on the beach.

And the gift of learning to give myself permission to “do nothing” comes courtesy of this journey away from Adderall. I feel as though my life is opening up as a result, and it’s unfolding in a much more elegant pace than a tumultuous two or see weeks of hellish withdrawals and a likely accompany major craving to return to my self-imposed prison.

Limiting Beliefs

One other experience that I must remember not to take from granted is the rare experience I had laying around but awake, and feeling comfortable with my own thoughts.

Oftentime, relaxing in the afternoon or attempting a nap means that my mind torments me with all of the projections into the future and the past, with “Doomsday is coming” messages.

But I felt none of that yesterday while relaxing, and saw, for the first time in God knows how long, maybe EVER, that it is possible to have this beautiful life that I often sort of “puke in my mouth” hearing people describe. Like, “that’s THOSE people, who don’t have MY problems. It’s bullshit. Or their souls chose an easy life, they chose a ‘vacation’ life, where as I chose the PhD, so fuck them and their ‘Mr. and Mrs. Perfect’ marketing campaign. Yeah, go post some #blessed, ‘my office for the day’ bare feet with a tropical beach in the background bullshit on IG”.

But I see that this life COULD be mine, but with the added security of knowing that I got there gradually, and as I ascend, I will be safe from plunging back down, and not be a sitting duck for unhappiness the minute something doesn’t go my way.

This is because I will have learned to be happy even when there is no security, and so much seems to be falling apart in my life. So much chaos. And yet, I can feel happy and at peace.

Mind you, this is new, and tomorrow, I may be singing a VERY different tune. But so far, this intention I set at the beginning of this journey, to make this the best period of my life instead of the living hell I’ve read so much about on Reddit, may be coming to pass, and this is new and hard to believe against the backdrop of my previous overarching some what secret internal unconscious philiophy that says nothing works out.

Going to do all I can to turn up to 11 the feeling of “I CAN experience Heaven on Earth”.