Big Tiny Steps

(At 12.5% of full dosage, and 37 days after starting the Bright Mind natural Adderall alternative)

So wow, I am officially in the final stretch here. Right now, if things stay on track in terms of my weaning schedule, then I will be Adderall free by this time next week. Amazing to imagine that. After more than a decade of this stuff being an absoluate necessity in my life, it’s about to fall out of the picture and make way for new discoveries and levels of freedom, which has actually already happened.

Already, I have escaped that sense of terror every month calling the pharmacy and hoping that this goddamn drug is actually in stock. Especially if it’s a weekend, and I know that if I need a change to my prescription so I can get whatever is in stock, shit, is that stressful. So that’s gone.

And in its place, a greater sense of freedom and self respect.

My Toxic Relationship with Money

And holy crap, as I discussed in yesterday’s post, in starting Ken Honda’s Money EQ course, it has hit me like a ton of bricks that my relationship with money has been completely toxic, to the point where I am amazed that I haven’t driven my family to living on the street.

I did, however, yesterday, have a situation come up where about $20 slipped through my fingers, but it’s different when I see the pattern and am willing to be patient as my consciousness around money takes a moment to actually be reflected on the outside.

So I am choosing to not get discouraged if I experience some more “low energy outcomes” around money in the immediate term.

I realize that if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Finding My “Outer” Purpose

I do believe that we all have the same purpose, of discovering who are ACTUALLY are, and raising our level of consciousness so that we can find our way to complete peace by “trimming away all of the fat” that holds back our energy and mutes the level of peace, joy, love, wondermine, and abundance of this life.

But in terms of envisioning my life ahead, I have never been a huge fan of that. Like those exercsises where you “imagine what you’d like your life to look like _____ years from now.”

Maybe it’s due to a lack of self-worth or some sort of negative “nothing ever works out” mentatility. But I am trying.

At the moment, to be honest, there is so much trauma that I need to work through from the past 10+ years of struggle that the ideal life I’d picture is more or less, just simply seeing my sick child better, my family healed, going on some sort of beach vacation, and being able to afford the things we need. I also envision an actual community or “village” around me of other men on the spiritual path, including those who can geek out with me about music, not to mention other families with kids who can befriend our own.

Yes, I love playing music and programming and helping others. but right now, a specific career goal or exact picture of what my 3D would look like is day-to-day after taking an initial vacation and celebrating our freedom from all of the hardship.

So I will continue looking out for that today.