Big Tiny Steps

(At 25% of full dosage, and 33 days after starting the Bright Mind natural Adderall alternative)

So first off, the family member I’ve been referring to for the last few days has not quite reached the point of an apology, but has at least tried to clarify where they were coming from, which was not as bad a place as I had imagined.

The challenge is that our communication has been over email, and this person’s command of written English is less than stellar, so there is definitely room for miscommunication there.

But I didn’t have it in me to get into a phone debate. Perhaps that would have been better though. Especially since I often feel critical of the younger generation, which seems to rely on short-form digital messaging over honest, face-to-face, human-to-human, look-you-in-the-eye, heart-to-heart communication, even for the most sensitive of conversations. I think that’s a bad thing, yet, here I am doing it, albeit using long-form email that at least attempts to convey clarity, and with an attempt at proper spelling and grammar.

At any rate, I am leaning very heavily towards accepting their money, and am making the theme for today two-fold:

1. Forgiveness, leading to…
2. The “permission slip” to accept help without guilt or shame.

The Need for Authentic Motivation

If there is anything that quitting Adderall reveals, is that I am not following my highest passion as much as I’d like to.

First off, my job, especially as of late, has just been a paycheck. Even though I love what I do, my job hasn’t really involved the creative part of the job that I really love.

And furthermore, my “side hustle” business, which I am thinking should serve as top option for getting out of the financial hole, at least from the income enhancement part of it, is feeling totally uninspired at the moment.

I am moving forward with some initiatives on that front with the hopes that, because the Universe seems to reward taking ANY step forward, that taking that first step will guide me where I need to be.

So far, none of my steps forward have taken me anywhere like a state of flow and syncronicity.

I feel like, perhaps my purpose right now is to just chill out and take it easy on myself, recognizing the struggles and trauma I’ve been through and honoring my need for recovery and recuperation.

But the logical mind is saying, “you NEED to do SOMETHING, the Universe is not going to just dump a bunch of money in your lap. You’re not going to win the lottery or have some long lost relative randomly put you in their will and then die and leave you with a surprise million-dollar haul”.

And that is by no means an unreasonable assessment, but perhaps there is the work to do first of changing my beliefs, which is the hard part that nobody wants to do because it involves consistency and near-constant awareness and discipline.

And I just want to be spotanenously enlightened, at least in terms of positive beliefs around abundance. I want to get one of those God-shots where some gift comes into my life that I didn’t expect or work towards.

This is what happened during my “3 Weeks of Bliss” in 2014, where as I was walking into the supermarket with jazz-gospel accapella group, Take 6’s album blaring in my earbuds, I felt an overwhelming sense of love and empathy with everyone in the supermarket, and for the next 3 weeks, experienced an uninterrupted sense of bliss.

And this was without having “earned” it. I hadn’t recently started a new spiritual practice or become more disciplined in the spiritual practices I had, or met a new spiritual teacher.

This gift was just dropped into my lap, like a homeless person getting a winning lottery ticket.

Looking back now, I see that the purpose of those three weeks was to deliver a message to me, that we do not need to work to receive God’s love, and that there does, indeed, exist a world where none of this material stuff matters.

Of course, in the years that followed and continuing to this day, I’ve been living through the toughest days I’ve ever experienced.

But that “North Star” remains, and I know that moving through this period with dignity and an openness to the many lessons that have been revealed is my ticket to PERMANENTLY living in that space, since gradual change is just about always more permanent than a sudden blast.