Big Tiny Steps

(At 25% of full dosage, and 31 days after starting the Bright Mind natural Adderall alternative)

OK, so Adderall stuff first….

Took the day off of Bright Mind, and I am happy to report that I did just fine. I am starting to learn the joy of using in moderation a substance that helps me feel better from the neck up, even though this substance is all natural and designed to not be habit-forming.

As a recovering addict, I realize that ANYTHING can be addictive – especially if it makes me feel better within a short span of time.

And I am learning that I CAN step away from those things that make me feel better and be ok, and that’s a beautiful thing and a true sign of more freedom in my life.

In Other News, the Shit Has Officially Hit The Fan

As I’ve mentioned before, without going into too many specifics, my life at the moment has never been more challenging, with a very, very frequent sense of walls closing in and no “soft spot” to land.

One of the biggest sources of my stress has been a financial situation that is approaching complete collapse. Are there ways I could improve in my handling of money.

Absolutely.

But the reality of the situation is that my family is where we are financially due to medical expenses related to a sick child, who most parents would have long ago given up on.

While I consider myself so fortunate compared to those people in war torn places such as Gaza or Sudan. But in the context of a middle class American family, it doesn’t get too much tougher than what we’ve been dealing with for well over a decade now.

I wear ill-fitting clothes from more than 4 years ago, have holes in my socks, sold a beloved irreplaceable vintage musical instrument to keep a roof over our head and food on the table, often eat Oscar Myer products and frozen burritos for dinner, and the list of sacrifices goes on and on.

Again, I have no doubt that I could manage my money better and cut back on certain expenses here and there. But the truth is, I am traumatized, and my family is traumatized, and so there is this experience of fight or flight that I am up against, which limits my ability to think outside the box and see the full picture of my life. The sense of danger, and also the mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion only serve to limit my ability to make the wisest decisions and arrive at the most elegant solutions for my problems.

The “Shit” In Question

For the last year or so, we’ve been in such a financial jam that I’ve had to swallow my pride in a way I have never done before, and ask a family member for some financial help.

I’ve pleaded with them to allow me to do work for their business and reducing the “handout” aspect of my requests for help.

And I’ve also tried to make it clear that our fiancial challenges are NOT the result of extravagant spending, but rather, the need to save our child from a terrifying future.

But that’s gone in one ear and out the other, as this family member has chosen denial over truly attempting to understand our situation.

Right now, we are in a very precarious situation where we are about to have to completely sink our credit, which will further limit our freedom, but I’ll take a bad credit score over hungry children any day.

So once again, I swallowed my pride. I swallowed it so hard that in the days leading up to my latest requiest, I found myself choked up with sadness and shame. But saving face had to come second to keeping my family safe, and I’ve had to let go of my front of the man who is mature, who is a REAL man, and who can provide for his family.

I’ve had to accept the fact that to this family member, I am going to undoubtedly appear as a 51-year-old man-child. And that’s not easy, as I have had to be so much more mature than anyone I know. Opportunities to be carefree and childlike are extremely limited.

Every day, I am forced to experience things that are incredibly painful and stressful, and constantly have to make tough decisions.

At any rate, I went ahead and asked, thinking that there would be the same level of willingness to help, albeit without a ton of respect, but at least a willingness to help.

But much to my surprise, I received an email complete with scathing criticism as well as disrespect for my wife, who has done absolutely nothing to deserve it.

This family member offered me 50% of what I requested, along with a stunningly ignorant lecture, delivered over email as opposed to at least a phone coversation.

And make no mistake. I am entitled to NOTHING.

The money is not what’s important. A response of, “Unfortunately, I am not in a position to help you guys right now” would have been perfectly OK.

But such was not the case.

Grateful to See Reality

While I am scared for what the future holds, while also trying to keep my fear at bay so that I can provide a container of safety and stability for my wife and childen, I am also grateful to see that this source of supply is no longer a viable one.

I am grateful that I can see the reality of what this relationship truly is.

And I can now move on. So there is freedom there. The truth has a healing quality, like rubbing alchol on. wound. It hurts, but it heals.

As for the day ahead, I am not sure what it holds, and I am not sure what life wants from me.

But two things I know for sure:

1. I am not a victim
2. A door has closed, and it’s now up to me to trust that I will recognize and be courageous enough to walk through the next door that presents itself, however that door looks, and however long it takes for that door to appear