Big Tiny Steps

(At 25% of full dosage, and 30 days after starting the Bright Mind natural Adderall alternative, but skipping the Bright Mind today so as to not build a tolerance and dependency)

No Bright Mind this morning, which may or may not be a factor in how exhasted I am.

I work up with a “Freedom Headache”, but thankfully that went away. But I am more tired this morning than I can remember being since the beginning of this Escaping Adderall journey.

The main reasons being, I would imagine:

• Of course, Adderall leaving my body as the dosage is getting to be quite small
• Still suffering from my addiction to staying up too late
• An “emotional hangover” from spending all day yesterday in financial fear and depression

Forget About Loving Myself – How About Just Being FAIR to Myself?

So there’s definitely been some of that self-flaggellation due to the fact that as a 51-year-old man, I am almost certainly going to have to ask a family member for money today.

Mind you, the reason for my financial woes is not irresponsiblility, but due to medical expenses that are notorious fo decimating the finances of families all over the world, and in particular, here in the U.S. with our “every man for himself” philosphy.

But here I am, asking the Universe to show me if there is another option. Is there some sort of miracle that I can access, TODAY, like, in the next few HOURS that will spare me the humiliation of having to ONCE AGAIN come out with my hat in hand, asking for money.

Sure, there are lessons to be learned from this, such as overcomnig the bondange of the ego and self-love, And the individual who I am asking, there is value in them taking this opportunity to make some amends for what they put me through, as I bailed them out years ago. On a regular basis, for YEARS at a time.

I need to realize that I did that, and that this family member probably has no clue or concept of jsut how much I picked up the slack for them, and what it cost me to do so.

But nonetheless,, I was an adult and I had agency to say no. But saying no and taking care of myself, not feeling responsible for the feelings of others was not something that was modeled for me. It was a foregin totally unknown concept.

Yet, as an aduly, we still bear responsibility for actions taken out of ignorance. And these consequences don’t have to be considered “punishments”, but rather, the only avenues for learning, and making those consequences a one-time event.

Recharging the Batteries

So today I will get to face my fear of withdrawals in a small, baby-step way that doesn’t involve anything agonizing, just exhaustion and maybe some “Freedom Blues.”

So I get to explore ways of recharging my spirit in a way that doesn’t involve ingesting a substance, So that means:

• naps
• playing music
• being authentic and asking for what I need

Onwards!