Big Tiny Steps

(At ~37.5% of full dosage, and 24 days after starting the Bright Mind natural Adderall alternative)

Woo hoo! Today I got to take my Bright Mind! Again, the addict mind I discussed in yesterday’s post in effect. I also noticed this thinking when cutting my 5mg tablet in half, thinking intently about which half is bigger, and worrying about the almost-inperceptibly smaller half of the pill, and how would I do on that one tomorrow.

So more “addict mind” thinking, but you know what? That’s OK. That thinking may never go away completely, but I have awareness of it, and so I can use it as a springboard for more growth and more freedom.

My Awesome Phone Call to the Pharmacy

So it looks like I will need one final refill on my Adderall to complete the weaning process, but…unlike those stressful “drum roll please” refil phone calls of the past, praying that they have my stuff in stock, yesterday, I got to speak with the pharmacist, but feeling cool and calm.

Me: “OK, so it will be ready Monday?”

Pharmacist: “No, we can have it ready today since you’re well within the refill period”.

…HOLY SHIT did that feel nice.

A FAR cry from the junkie I felt like a little over a month ago, calling the phychiatrist’s office, trying to wheel and deal and offer the nurse on a story that didn’t quite add up (stories that don’t quite add up are one of the most obvious hallmarks of junkie behavior, and it sickens me whenever I’ve been on the giving end of one of those).

The prescription was ready yesterday, but I am not sure when I’ll be able to come pick it up. It could be today, it could be tomorrow. It could be the middle of the week.

There’s no rush.

And that rules!

Permission to Loaf

So at this point, I’ve been experiencing a lack of motivation and overall energy that is almost certainly due in part to this weaning process.

And I am totally fine with that.

What this is doing is allowing me to take care of myself in the form of committing the “cardinal sin” of spending a good amount of time laying on the living room sofa in the middle of the day when, according to my previous line of thinking, I “should” be pushing myself to fix my life circumstances and cart my kiddos around town to give them fun experiences.

For the longest time, keeping my kids entertained has been a huge source of stress for me, since there are some significant challenges my family is up against when it comes to doing the normal recreational activities that most middle class families take for granted. So my choices are limited, and I fall into a pattern of guilt and anxiety over finding activities that check the boxes of feasibility, low stress, and fun.

But yesterday, and for the past few weeks for that matter, we’ve all felt like just hanging out around the house. And my guilt around that has been receding.

I have to remember that what my kiddos want is for me to be present. I would posit that the kids would be more fullfilled and happy hanging around the house with a dad who is present, relaxed, and not forcing any “mandatory fun” than they would enjoy going to Disney World with a dad who is stressed out and tuning them out in favor of scrolling through his phone.

So I’ve decided to let go of the ideas that we should be “getting out into nature” or having fun out in the world.

Of course, those things are important, that nature piece in particular. But right now, there is perhaps an even greater spiritual gift (and challenge) in staying indoors and doing little-to-nothing.

This isn’t intended to be a permanent thing. But life has been so frantic over the past decade, just trying to control and fix incredibly challenging problems over which I do not have a huge amount of agency.

So if frantic and needing to control things and “move forward” is a source of stress for you, then my invitation to you would be to allow yourself to be “lazy”.

I’ve heard it said that clinically-depressed people who can’t get out of bed are those who cannot allow themselves the freedom to be just be human and do nothing when needed. Exercising your free will is a powerful depression killer, and is much more likely to empower you to emerge out of bed and back into the mainstream of life once you’ve rested sufficiently.

Guilt and shame about your need to rest and be a f**cking human being are what would keep one in bed. And by “in bed”, that doesn’t have to mean literally in your bed. We can walk through our day-to-day life feeling dead inside, although we are in an “internal bed”. It’s depression, since we have our true selves pressed down.

So with that, I am going to go with the flow today and allow myself the freedom to be “lazy”, recognizing the ridiculousness of the notion that allowing myself to be “lazy” for this period of my life means I will devolve into a bed-ridden, sweatpants-only-wearing victim of debilitating depression.

In summary, I am feeling good this morning and intend to keep it up by being real, one day at a time.