Big Tiny Steps

(At ~50% of full dosage, and 15 days after starting the Bright Mind natural Adderall alternative)

Yesterday was, once again, a bit of a shit show as far as my life circumstances go. Sometimes it’s hard to believe I am still standing with all of the drama, that I don’t just keep over and have a heart attack.

It’s amazing how whenever my blood pressure is checked, it’s so damn normal and healthy. I almost wish it would show up as being high, so that it would justify my making some big changes – or getting some pity and sympathy and care and attention.

But of course, high blood pressure or any other health problems would ultimately be an unwelcome ADDITIONAL challenge, so I am grateful for the miracle of my relative health in the face of extreme and prolonged time in a “fight or flight” state.

The other physical condition I am happy to report is not in my experience at this moment is the dreaded Adderall withdrawals such as headaches, upset stomach, debilitating fatigue, etc.

The Main Symptoms at the Moment

1. Although being tired is indeed a normal part of my sleep-deprived day-to-day, I feel like it’s heightened at the moment, as I find myself crashing out on the sofa a lot more than normal.
   
   I am also finding that I have less energy to play with my boys, go on outings, or just be present and pay attention to them. Obviously, that’s not a good thing, but I am seeing it as a short-term challenge because I know better, but I have to give myself some grace, since long-term, it is better for the boys to have a dad who is not hooked on Adderall.
2. I am also finding myself experiencing a lack of motivation. There are indeed a lot of important things I need to do right now to mitigate potential financial emergencies (worse than the emergencies that are already in progress). But there are definitely things I could do in terms of planning as well as working on my side business that would be the “responsible” thing to do, and in some cases, involve doing work that is actually interesting for me to do.
   
   Same deal with work. It just so happens that I was a few days ago assigned a mind-numblingly boring task that I have made zero progress on. I know that wouldn’t be the case if I were “firing on all cycliners” with my full Adderall dose.

It’s All Worth It

Regardless of these side effects, I am SO MUCH HAPPIER that I am moving forward with this effort, despite any short term challenges. At the very least, the scary stuff is not happening, and this will be a huge step towards ADDITIONAL freedom.