Big Tiny Steps

(At ~63% of full dosage, and 12 days after starting the Bright Mind natural Adderall alternative)

So the last 24 hours, more so than any other point in this journey, seems to have found me experiencing some sort of withdrawal effects.

Nothing huge, and also, nothing that I haven’t really experienced before this whole process. But the level of exhaustion and sadness yesterday seemed a tad higher than normal.

Then again, my circumstances have been harder than normal. But also, the fact that I was ALSO woken early, 5:30 to be exact, with a painful headache seems to point to some sort of physical adjustment to my reduction in dosage. Along with the headache were other withdrawal-y symptoms such as naseau and exhaustion which I can identify as unusual exhaustion because usually I enjoy waking up a bit earlier than planned because it extends my so-cherished morning quiet time.

But perhaps the biggest tell that Tyrant Adderall was telling me, “not so fast, hotshot” was the accompanying nausea and upset stomach.

As it happens, today is the day I had schedule to drop down to 50% of my full dosage (so that’s coming down to 2 pills from 2.5 pills, or 10 mg from 12.5 mg).

So given the way I woke up this morning, I’ve decided to embody my increasingly prominent value of self-care and self-love, which meant:

• Going back to sleep after taking my morning Adderall, 5-Hour Energy, and Bright Mind
• Postponing my 2.5 mg reduction by at least one day.

Today, of all days, is not the day to reduce my dosage. Yes, I could employ militaristic discipline and push through, but the bigger lesson I would like to learn here is developing the habit of self-love and patience with oneself, and practicing doing myself what I’d tell a friend who was in my shoes to do themselves.

I would tell them, for sure, “Take it easy on yourself, there’s no rush. Give yourself one more day. Hell give yourself on more week if you need.”

Especially since I have abandoned my initial strategy of “Advance and Retreat” where I go back up every two weeks. Instead, I am just going to take it slow, and only partially “retreat” as an alternative to “aborting mission”.

I am also proud that yesterday, I took multiple opportunities to excuse myself from my work and family duties for some piano playing breaks, which were incredibly helpful.

Playing the piano is like taking a “happy pill” for me. Not only do I feel good while I am doing it, but the positive effects can last for hours, even the rest of the day.

But I am often nervous about stepping away from my duties and asking for help covering those family duties because I am afraid of looking week or being a burden or seeming self-centered. But yesterday, with the multiple breaks I took – I feel as though I broke through a barrier.

And so by being ok with slowing down the weaning process a bit, I feel than another barrier was broken, a barrier of self-love and self care.

So that’s proving to be one of the biggest lessons from this whole journey right now, and a great opportunity for anyone else going through this.

And come to think of it, I would imagine that anyone who’s gravitated towards Adderall addiction would be likely to have trouble practicing self-care because this is a drug that allows you to push yourself harder and get more done.

So if this is you, please know that you have an opportunity to embody the invaluable and fruitful principle of self care and self love.

In fact, I am thinking more and more about incorporating the feeling of “vacation” during this time. So that means just doing what’s fun and relaxing, More music, more meditation. More fun activities. More outdoor time. Whatever it is I can do, becuase God knows I have plenty of things to do each day that are the opposite of fun for me, that are painful and scary, hearbreaking.

But today, and I believe forever, actually, my big job will be self love in the face of a part of me that doesn’t believe I deserve it.