Big Tiny Steps

(At ~63% of full dosage, and 11 days after starting the Bright Mind natural Adderall alternative, although skipping Bringht Mind today to allow myself to lower tolerance)

It seems as though these posts are becoming less eventful, as I am adjusting to life with less and less of this drug.

As for the rest of my life, well, that couldn’t be more eventful, at least from an emotional perspective. Without going into detail, my life and its profound challenges seem to be stuck in a sort of “Groundhogs Day” repetitive pattern, and actually a mental and emotional downwards spiral.

This was the case before starting to reduce the Adderall, but as mentioned previously, weaning myself off of this stuff is a saving grace, since it represents a positive change that I can actually control. That’s the beauty of recovery. If I can be willing to change, then doors can open up.

So my job right now is to be able to little by little, slow down, and eventually stop the downwards spiral of manifesting low-energy “self-fullfilling prophecy outcomes” that reflect the majority of my thoughts and feelings. These thoughts and feelings are triggered by events that are extremely challenging, and which I do not yet seem to have the mental discipline to rise above and honestly FEEL as catalysts towards positive change.

Intellectually, I know that bad things (and yes, I am calling these things “bad” even though you’re not “supposed” to) are the Universe’s way of guiding you towards peace and joy, but my challenge is that I am running out of gas.

I have many strategies for transcending these painful feelings (playing music, meditation, writing, therapy, focusing on the love around me, etc), and they are effective, make no mistake.

But somthing else needs to change in my life so that the rate of incoming negative circumstances slow down a bit, or my ability to trascend them overtakes the rate of those circumstances manifesting themselves.

So yesterday, my mind was racing, trying to figure out what needs to change on my part. Where am I being afraid or in denial. And when I want to give up and resign myself to self-pity, telling myself that this incarnation is not about enjoyment and is doomed to just be a life lesson and cautionary tale for others, I think to myself, “what would I tell a friend who was going through the same thing?”

Would I say, “Hmm, yeah, well, you’re pretty much fucked. Maybe next lifetime….”?

Probably not. I’d say something like, “Give yourself some grace. You are living under circumstances that are beyond what anyone you know is going through. See every small step you take towards the positive as a victory. It is about nothing other than ‘small’ victories right now. Do not worry yourself about making big sweeping changes. In fact, avoid those because if you are in a state of fear and internal chaos, you are not going to be poised to make huge sweeping changes. Build up a pattern of success”.

“If that success means going to bed 5 minutes earlier than you would have – YAY! That’s one step closer to freedom”.

“If you feel anger at someone but chose kindness instead of bringing down your vibration by hurling anger in their direction – YAY!”

“If you took some notes on practical steps needed to improve your life – YAY!”

And then, of course….

“If you got through another day sticking to your Adderall weaning process, – YAY!”

“If you’re still alive and breathing today and haven’t done anything drastically bad like relapsing into active alcoholism and drug addiction – YAY!”

“If you did your best at ACCEPTING this moment, even if it’s just for this very moment, instead of fighting it – YAY!”

“In other words, make your day a big, heaping pile of ‘YAY!’, and THINGS WILL CHANGE. Remember that you are on a Hero’s Journey, so imagine that you have a documentary crew following you around, and you are working on creating an unplifting and inspiring story that will bring audiences to their feet with tears in their when the end credits roll.” You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be human”.