Big Tiny Steps

(At ~70% of full dosage, and day 5 of taking the Bright Mind natural Adderall alternative)

Woke up this morning before my alarm clock, hoping that it was just before my normal 6:40am wake up time, and to my disappointment, it was 4am, and as per the title of today’s update, I had one of those headaches that’s all too familiar. The kind that is impervious to Advil and can only be remedied by an extra bit of Adderall.

Although these headaches have happened many times before while at full dose, I do have to admit that being actually woken up by such a headache is, I believe, a first.

Nonetheless, I welcome it as an expected part of this process, and my body’s way of indicating that there is a noticeable change happening. I’d describe the level of pain as very noticeable, but mostly annoying, and by no means what I’d describe as “splitting”.

After about 30 minutes of trying unsuccessfully to fall back asleep, I decided to take my morning dose of Adderall a bit early in hopes of falling back asleep.

Only thing is, this morning is the morning that I had on my weaning schedule as the day I move down an increment from 15 mg to 12.5 mg, and I was hoping that I could go into this drop with my body fully acclimated to the 15 mg dose.

But at the same time, perhaps it works to my benefit that the amount of Adderall in my system is quite low, so even the reduced dosage this morning would be so welcomed by my body that this minor withdrawal symptom would go away.

As Luck Would Have It

Because of a botched attempt at splitting one of my pills a couple of weeks ago, I had one pill that was cut down to about 75% size instead of 50%. So I decided to take advantage of this opportunity to have an intermediate stair-step halfways downwards to my planned 3rd dosage decrease.

Addict Thinking

I was nervous about taking my dose so early in the morning for fears that its effects would wear off and I’d start with the “Freedom Headache” and “Freedom Exhaustion” well before bed time, making my very evening suck.

Now can I just say….this is the epitome of “addict thinking”, where my whole day is being planned around getting my “fix”. Even though, in this case, the “fix” isn’t for the sake of getting high and numbing myself, but just to keep myself functional for the extreme demands of my day to day life. But still, it’s a very feeling reminiscent of my days taking drugs and alcohol for the very purpose of “cocoon-ing” myself from the world.

Bright Mind

Anyhow, because it could take a few hours for the Adderall to kick my headache to the curb, I decided to take my Bright Mind drink early as well, along with my 5 hour energy (did I mention that I’ve been taking 5 hour energy for years now as a replacement for a years-long addiction to caffeine as well, which was previously addressed with a tall can of some brain-killing energy drink?).

My addict mind has planned in advance that I can do as the Bright Mind website suggests, which is, to take an additional dose in the afternoon if I find myself slumping.

So there is my plan – a smaller-than-planned decrease in dosage coupled with Bright Mind and the option to take another Bright Mind in the afternoon if needed.

As I write this now at 5:37 AM, my headache is completely gone and I feel pretty energized.

By the way, after 4 days of Bright Mind, where yesterday I actually noticed myself feeling more clarity then normal while discussing a pretty involved technical matter at work, I am continuing to become a believer in this stuff.

And that’s surprising given that I have quite a lot of skepticism when it comes to all-natural nutritional supplements actually changing the way I feel, since my resistance to any sort of drug or medication is so high, given my years of drinking and drugging, even though those years are over 21 years in the. past.

I do have more I could write about, but perhaps I’ll address that later.

Quick Note on Going it Alone

I’ve also wanted to insert a blog post to clarify what I said in in earlier post (I forget which one and don’t have time to rifle through the blog to find it) regarding the fact that I am doing this without the benefit of any type of human support structure – namely a 12-step group and instead relying on the way of life that’s come out my past years in recovery.

But I do want to mention that I do have a support system in the form of a therapist, another spiritual mentor who I speak with on a regular basis, and my wife who is extremely supportive of my efforts, as she has witnessed me calling pharmacies all over town looking for Adderall like a junkie.

Anyhow, I just wanted to mention that becuase it’s been on my mind, and in case anyone besides me is reading this, I want to express how important it is, or at least FOR ME and based on the experience of just about everyone I know who has SUCCEEDED in breaking free of addiction to drugs and/or alcohol, to have some sort of HUMAN support system.

So that’s it for now, planning for a great day ahead(!).