Big Tiny Steps

So yesterday was quite an education day, complete with what was probably a case of the “Freedom Blues” (ie: Adderall withdrawal-related sadness or dopamine deficiency).

What started out as a pretty good morning turned sour and remained sour well into the early evening.

Long story short…I got into a debate with a co-worker about their decision to disregard the project I created which was assigned to them. This co-worker decided, without consulting me, to not complete all of the requirements which were already laid out and agreed upon.

And what was maddened about this is that my coworker’s reasoning behind the decision was, to put it bluntly, moronic and clearly based on fear of failure and impostor syndrome. A form of laziness on multiple lessons.

All of this coupled with the need to be right, at any cost.

I tried making my case, even injecting humor to keep things light. But I got nowhere. I also tried getting a consensus from other team members, but because they are also part of the “culture of corner-cutting” in our group, they sided with my misguided co-worker (which I expected).

I did feel my blood starting to heat up as I started to have this debate over chat, and as that was happening, my son, in a blast of wisdom probably totally unbeknownst to him, started dragging me away from my computer because he wanted to leave the house.

He was so adamant that I had to listen to him, so that was probably a good thing, since when it comes to a professional situation, I beleive that you must always remain professional and calm, even if it means temporarily stuffing your emotions until such time as you can find an external outlet for them.

But at any rate, the whole episode left me feeling anger followed by sadness that I can’t ever recall feeling on account of a disagreement with coworkers about work. And in slowing down a bit, I realized why…

The reason is that what I was forced to accept yesterday was being a part of a group that embodied the polar opposite of one of my most important values, which is beauty.

Not beauty in the sense of a person’s physical appearance, but rather the beauty inherent in nature and the arts and really anything we do on this planet. As a lover of music, I am especially passionate about the beauty of patterns and clarity and nuance and nooks and crannies and depth.

Not sloppiess for the sake of expediency or the safety of doing what’s familiar, letting the mind rob one of their own sense of beauty.

Where Quitting Adderall Comes In

What was fishy was both the highly unusual level of depression I felt yesterday as a result of a mental culprit which I can’t recall even having this much power. But this pain led me to the importance of living my values.

This is why the whole Trump thing is so painful for me and so many others.

IT IS PAINFUL TO BE FORCED TO BE A PART OF A GROUP THAT EMBODIES AN INSULT TO OUR DEEPEST HELD, SELF-DEFINING VALUES.

It was forced inauthenticity. And also an attack on my, and probably just about every human’s top value…FREEDOM.

So this was a great lesson in the importance of living one’s values, and it took the power of the Adderall-driven over-the-top “Freedom Blues” to put that before me.

How I Broke Free

Later that evening, knowing that the best, and too-often last-resort “offramp” to this unpleasant emotional experience, was to give myself the gift of energizing and uplifting myself with the most energizing and uplifting celebration of my value of beauty…

Playing the piano JUST FOR FUN.

I could write a whole thesis on the power of music, especially playing music when it comes to changing one’s entire emotional experience. At least on a temporary basis.

So I won’t get into all of that here because this is already turning into a much longer blog post than I had anticipated and really have time for this morning.

But I saw that embodying my values, especially after the were shit all over, was a beautiful and devastating blow to those freedom blues, and uplifited me to a place where I could be of true service to my family instead of sulking around with stuffed nagativity, waiting to be unleashed at precisely the wrong moment.

Moral of the Story

Take every. single. possible. moment of your life to embody, utterly embody, those values that are most important to you.

And if you don’t know what those are, please take the time to sit down and let your pen or typing fingers “do the walking” and guide you to your most authentic values so you can make it your mission to always live by those.

If you do that, it will be impossible for your life to not change for the better, and perhaps be COMPLETELY transformed in a beautiful way.

UPDATE: After my post this morning, I started feeling a bit of what may have been a micro-“Freedom Headache” and “Freedom Exhasution” – although those are symptoms I’ve experienced on a regular basis even during my time at full dosage.

So it’s not super-likely that those were withdrawal symptoms, but nevertheless, I decided to see what impact Bright Mind (a trending natural “Drinkable ADHD Supplement” that I purchased in advance of this journey to have in my back pocket to offset any withdrawal symptoms) would have, so this morning I went ahead and took my first “dose”.

The minor headache and the exhaustion went away shortly after, but I am not 100% sure if that was just me waking up a bit more, or if it was actually Bright Mind.

At any rate, I am going to continue taking Bright Mind in the morning and hopefully it turns out to be helpful.