Big Tiny Steps

OK, so here I am on Day 4, feeling….GREAT actually.

I thought I started feeling a “Freedom Headache” this morning, but it went away. I almost want the withdrawals to kick in just because of this tiny sensation of, “it’s too quiet.”

But I am choosing to discard that, and consider that the reason I am feeling great at 7/8 of my normal dosage despite often feeling withdrawals at my FULL dosage….is that the Adderall is actually toxic to my body.

Whatever relatively minor withdrawals I anticipated as a possibility at even the earliest stage may very well be getting washed out by the positive feeling of this poison – at least in my case – being reduced in my system.

Plus, there is the mental effect of that “pink cloud” or excitement that comes at the beginning of the path.

Possible Modification to the Weaning Schedule

I am also reconsidering that “retreat” piece of my “Advance and Retreat” weaning schedule. The “retreat” being the planned minor increase in dosage by one increment for every two increments downwards.

If things continue going as smoothly as they have been, perhaps the retreat can be on an “as needed” basis as opposed to “hard-coded” into the process. Because there is still that consideration of striking the balance between going slow enough to sidestep the withdrawals while at the same time not stretching the process out so long that I am giving my “addict mind” too many dangerous opportunities to convince me that “now is not the right time” to quit.

But so far, as I mentioned in the last post, no matter what happens from here on out, I can look to these first 4 days as proof that reducing Adderall feels good, and nothing can take that experience away from me.

I am very likely already at the point of no return with this process, since even if I were to abort mission and return to my full dosage, I will forever be haunted knowing that a better life awaits me without the drug, which would very likely erode at my sense of peace. And when that happens, I start getting driven towards rock bottom and surrender. And surrender is that gift that brings us so much of what’s beautiful about being alive.

So that’s about it for now. My intention is to continue enjoying my day, even though other challenges in my life continue to abound. But so far, reducing the Adderall, even but a small amount, seems to be helping me navigate those better, and what I feared as a terrifying and miserable process is shaping up to be a good one.

Hoping it continues this way(!).